Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Today Is A Hard Day

Today is a hard day.  Today I am a shell with a smile on my face but eyes puffy and swollen from crying.  I woke up around 230 this morning and started crying.  I cried so hard I eventually got sick.  That lasted about an hour and I fell back to sleep at some point.  I woke up at 450 and went to the gym.  I cried in my car until I convinced myself to suck it up for at least 60 minutes.  I cried on my way to work.  I cried in the bathroom stall.

Today I don't believe in psychopaths or narcissists.  Today I blame myself.  Today I am a failure.  Today I am riddled with "Why wasn't I good enough?", "Why didn't she love me enough?", "How could she lie to me?"

Today when I start to tell myself "It's because she is broken and does not feel"...I quickly shut that down with "Well if you had been enough..."

It crushes my already broken heart to think about how I gave her all of me...everything...I worshiped her and trusted her and spent all of my money and time and energy on her...

And she threw me away.

Today I replay everything. From their text messages to Gina looking me in the face and pretending to be my friend while sleeping with my wife behind my back.  Today I wonder how she lives with herself.  Today I think about the mornings when I would be crumpled on the kitchen floor crying and Heather would be leaving for work and would say to me, "I can't deal with this right now...can't we just have a couple of days where we don't have to do THIS?'...and she would walk out and I would try to be a better wife by not talking about "this".

It was like she just flipped a switch and that was it.

I can't make sense of it.

My heart doesn't understand.

Today my heart feels heavy.  It feels full of sadness. It feels full of broken promises and lies.  I wish I could wring it out...like a towel that is soaked with water...and then hang it out to dry.

But life goes on.  So I got out of bed and worked out, planted a tree in the front yard, fed the ducks, played with the dogs, did some laundry, took a shower, and went to work. And tonight my sister comes in town, and my parents and brother and Lisa get in tomorrow...

And life goes on.

But today life is hard.

Today is a hard day.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Hot As A Firecracker, Here Comes July

Good afternoon to all my little snuggle bunnies and cupcakes.  You keeping your chin up?  If not, fuck it.  You don't have to today.  But maybe tomorrow.  And if you are...come here and let me get a piggie backride.  That's not a metaphor.  I just really like piggie backrides.

Last week I promised Ramona (fellow/former bandster) that I would update the old blog that day...

I lied.

I didn't KNOW it was a lie.  And I don't like to lie...but before I knew it, it was a million days later and here we are.

So here we are.

So where am I?

I am okay this week.  Two weeks ago though, I was curled up in my empty bathtub holding a towel and sobbing.  That was a hard week.

It's a rollercoaster.  This healing.

But I do feel like I am healing...I just need to stop touching the scab.

I hate the word scab.

And look...I just typed it twice.

And I feel like I am learning about myself.  I feel like one day I will be okay.  And that's a vast improvement from 10 days ago when I asked my friend Miriam, what if my heart never heals?  What if I cry every day for the rest of my life?  What if I am the "happy" girl on the outside with the broken heart on the inside...

and she said...

And every time I read that...I cry. Because I hope with all of my hopes...that she is right.  I asked Therapist last week..."What if everyone is wrong?  How do you know, or everyone else who tells me the same thing, that I WILL be okay?" She said, "Amy, you have A LOT of indicators that you are going to be okay.  A LOT".

I do a lot of reading about narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths.  It helps.  Even though it's hard to make sense of it in my brain.  It's hard to understand that their can be human beings that don't feel remorse.  It's hard to believe that there are people that actually plot and plan on how to control and manipulate the people in their lives...that do nothing but give.

It is the opposite of who I am.

And so once of the things I have stopped thinking is the line of thought that "I am so stupid...how did I let this happen?  How did I not know?"

I wasn't stupid.  Heather exploited the best parts of me.  She chose me for all the wonderful things I am.  Kind, trusting, empathic, loving, giving...I was the perfect target.  It was all the good in me that made me the "perfect choice"...

I find myself struggling this week not with "How could she" or "Why"...but coming to terms with the fact that the person I loved never really existed.  For seven years...my love was real...yes.  Hers...what I thought was love...was not.

That's a hard pill to swallow.

And that's one of the things that makes coming out of a breakup with a narcissist different than a "normal" breakup (which are terrible and painful and hurtful as well)...most normal human beings feel something.  People cheat and fall out of love all the time.  People leave people and hurt people.  And none of that is "right", but most people don't thrive off of the pain involved.  They haven't plotted and manufactured an identity.  I kissed Heather before I told Tracey I was leaving him.  It took me four days to tell him.  I hurt him.  It hurt me to watch that.  I felt bad for my behavior and choices for a long time.  I still think of him fondly and while I don't believe in regret...I know that I caused him pain.

People with Cluster B personality disorders...it's just so different.

I started reading this book yesterday...
Holy tits it's eerie.  Eerie because it's like someone has been following me around documenting my life.  I am underlining things as I read...which is rather pointless since I've basically underlined the entire book.

But it's helped to open my eyes. I mean, one eye is open and the other is kinda opened...but still.  AND, after I stop reading it for a few hours I start to make excuses for her...but I will just reread if necessary.

It's funny, and sad I suppose, that while I was IN the relationship, I didn't realize how terrible some things were.

Example.  Miriam asked me the other day why it took me 10 years to go back to Kansas.  I told her I guess because Heather never wanted to go.  And I told her how once when I asked Heather to go back to Kansas with me she said, "I have no interest in seeing where you came from.  I don't want to drive around while you show me your house, or school, or favorite places."

And while I know it hurt me at the time, I quickly taught myself to believe "Maybe she is right.  Maybe people don't want to do that.  And just bc it's a big deal for me, doesn't mean it's important."

I actually asked Heather about that conversation recently...and she said "NO ONE WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE'S HOME...if they tell you that, it's bullshit."

And she believes that.

I love seeing and knowing where people came from.  It's important.

But not to her.

So I learn.  I learn what I need and want and deserve now and in the future.

And believe me, I will never settle for less than I deserve again.  If I do, please come to my home and kidnap me.

So that's where I am emotionally.

Let's look at some pictures now.
 Listen.  This was after a lonnnnnng day of drinking and my lips were sunburnt and the ice cream cake was reallllly frozen and my utensil didnt work...so I used my face.
 We had an amazing float party on my lake on the 4th.  This was Boobies shit emoji.  I had a taco float...duh.
 Wild blue and some of the crew.  We took the paddle boat out, anchored it, and then floated on our rafts!
 I have a chair under my stairs that I like to sit in and look out at the backyard and water.
 Oooh.  PowPow and I went out...AFTER dark to a ccountry concert at the beach.  We thought it started at 7pm, which was already late for us.  He came on around 11:30 PM!  We almost died.  But there were so many hot guys including one I was rubbing on for an hour or so...I think he name was Daniel?  Dylan?  I don't know.  He was beautiful and we were in love for about 60 minutes.
 Bowling.  MadDog and the Big Booty Bowlers.
Miriam and I on the 3rd.  We were supposed to go tubing but the damn river was too high...so we all went to the beach instead.

 My suit for the 4th.  It took me 20 minutes to strap myself in bc I got frustrated and completly undid it.  That's why I started drinking at 930 am and was eating cake with my face 14 hour later.
 Me and Timmy (we also call him Yummy...for obvious reasons)
I bought a damn weed eater and figured that sucker out myself.  I was pretty proud of myself man.

And that's it.  I am alive and making it.  I love y'all.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Your Online Dating Profile

For those of you who are single and ready to mingle, or for those of you who like to play the mental game "IF I was single and ready to mingle"...do you ever think about how you would write your dating profile...That is assuming you don't already have one?

I do.

Because let me tell y'all sumpin...

This new Amy...

She is going be who she is (which, let's be honest...CAN be fabulous most of the time).  So if I ever had to actually create a dating profile...the following would be included.

I wrote that several months ago...before 'The End' and my 'New Beginning'.  It sounds easy enough.  Simple right?  I mean yes...I want MAGIC...but what makes it magical is a touch and a thought and intention.

The funny thing about being on the market and having a public blog that is as open as mine is that any potential suitor could read it and know things about me that one usually waits until the 3rd, or 17th date to share.  Yesterday I found out that I had a reading audience of "real life" guys the ol blog from time to time.  I panicked for about 4 seconds, quickly running through the list of posts in my mind that are included in the last 8 years (including but not limited to posts about pooping on the side of the road and my labia)...but then I shrugged and thought, "Well, if you read this and STILL want to date me...then you know what you are getting!"

So let me add to my list of wants shall I?

Here we go:

  • You don't need to be a great dancer, but from time to time I would like you to sway back and forth with me.  It might be in the kitchen, it might be in the backyard.  But I want you to hold me and move with me...and seal the deal with a kiss.
  • Speaking of kissing...you have to be a good one.
  • You have to celebrate special days or occasions.  You don't have to buy me expensive gifts, but thoughtfulness on my birthday or Christmas, or...just on a Monday is important to me.  Write me a love note.  Buy me a flower.  Please don't just hand me your credit card and let me do all the work. 
  • You have to be sweet to my mother even when she is driving ME crazy and you have to pretend to understand my father when he is speaking "Al".
  • You have to be kind to my friends.  They are amazing.  Many of them are crazy.  But they are worth it.
  • Must love, or tolerate with love like qualities...animals.  Sorry.  The fur children are my for real children.
And what do you get in return?  Me.  I can be cute and charming.  I am kind and generous.  I am funny and have a heart with a tremendous capacity to love.  I will have your back, support your dreams, and listen with intention.  I never fight dirty.  I believe in communication and honesty and openness.

And...one last thing.

I trust.

I live with an open heart and mind.

I'll tell you my weaknesses long before I probably should.

And my heart is still in pieces.

I believe in love...even are my darkest of days, because I know it exists inside of me.  I believe in passion and loyalty.  I believe in people that mean what they say and do what they promise.  I know those things are real because I am those things.

But it might take a little while for me to believe in you.

Because believing in Heather almost shattered me.  I didn't know if I would come back from it.  Some moments I still don't.  But those are just moments now...they used to be days in a row.  And so when I give you my hand, please be patient.

I am worth it.

I promise.

(and p.s.  It would also be helpful if you loved Mexican food, working out, and sex.  Great).

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Attack of the Cockies

Listen to me people.

I believe in karma.  And once I read a book by the Dalai Lama and he said everything has a purpose and we aren't supposed to kill things.

So I don't kill spiders.

Or snakes.

I will only kill two creatures by choice.  Fireants...because they come directly from the pits of hell and are hateful...

and...

cockroaches.


See that big sucker on the far left?  Welcome to Florida.  Some people down here call them Palmetto Bugs...but make no mistake...they Cockies.

So when I moved into my new house (built in the 70's and recently flipped), I saw a couple of these.

Some were dead.  Some were not.  I knew I had to take action but would need to wait until payday, when I would take a little trip to our local pest control place and load up on whatever they told me to buy.

I should pause here to backtrack for you.  I closed on the house on a Wednesday, but didn't spend the night there until Friday.  Well, upon my arrival Friday I thought the house felt might warm so I padded across my new shag carpet to the thermostat and low and behold...it read 79 degrees inside, even though it was set to 74.  Hmmm...

Interesting.

So exploring I go.  The AC wont turn on.  Checked breakers and fuses.  All good.  Posted on Facebook.  Still not working after I try a few things suggested by all my friends who are experts in the field of AC.  Finally my wonderful realtor comes over and tells me what's wrong and to call my home warranty and get someone to come out.  I call.  It's gonna be 4 day.  Four days in the Florida heat while you house is full of people with good hearts working their asses off is a long time...but what's a girl to do?

So I wait.

Well on night 3 of no air, I wake up to find my bedroom ceiling leaking.  Sweet mother.  I panic.  Who do I call?  I know I am going to have to go upstairs and go into the attic.  And I know what awaits me.

Cockies.

I end up strapping on my flashlight headlamp, called my dad who is visiting my sister in Colorado, and traipse upstairs in my underwear and tank top.
My attic.

These suckers make the best gifts.


I needed to document.

Upon entering the attic, which you can see needs plywood, I see a cockroach perched on the ac unit...staring at me and twitching its twitchers.  I say to it "do not jump on my motherfucker.  DO NOT"...and although I cannot PROVE it...I am pretty sure it lunged at me a little.  Anyways, talking to my dad and tip-toeing through the death attic we basically figure out that the valve thingie is clogged and whatever.  

BUT, my dad did have me go outside to look at the AC unit.  I exited through the sliding glass door, still in just my tanktop and unders and wearing my headlamp.  It was probably around 330am.  When I tried to get back IN the house, the arm that secures the sliding glass door had fallen down and I was locked out of the house.
And of COURSE that was the same night I had locked every damn door for security purposes.  My dad actually started laughing at me over the phone.

Not helpful father.

Well luckily my bedroom window was unlocked, but it's pretty high off the ground so I had to drag a patio chair over and crawl through that sucker...ass to the world.

I made it back in, slightly defeated.

Well the next day I left work early to get the roach spray and doused the outside of the house, attic, and garage.

I am happy to report that the AC man came out and fixed it all up, and now the only cockies are see are dead ones.

Being a homeowner is fabulous.

I have also learned some valuable life lessons....LIKE....there is a little thing that holds that bar so it doesn't just fall down on you while you are half naked outside in the middle of the night.  Also, one should bury a spare key just in case.  ALSO, one should keep her bedroom window locked because it's easy for an idiot to crawl through it.

The end.

Putting Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again

Good morning nut muffins.  Well, let me change that as I do not really enjoy nuts on my muffins.  I enjoy a good moist muffin...so...

Good morning moist muffins.

It's been two and a half months since everything changed.  Two and a half months.  It feels like I have been going through this much longer than that...but I guess if you figure in the ENTIRE stretch of discourse, it has been closer to a year.

A year is a long time.

Two and a half month is an eternity in moments measured in heartbreak.

There are some amazing things happening in my life.  I am officially a homeowner!  I am in love with my house.  It's much like me.  A little older, needs some work and curb appeal, full of character and perfect for entertaining.  And as you may have seen on social media, I have the most AMAZING group of friends that have helped me accomplish more in the last 3 weeks with the house than most people do in three months.
 There were multiple slumber parties to paint.
 Champagne
 Moving day and putting contact paper down in the kitchen.
 More painting.
 Fixing things I broke.
 Getting rid of cockroaches
Made time for a little Dirty Dancing.
 Got a fence installed in the backyard.
 Pressure washing.

Amazing things. Amazing people. And I am so grateful.  Please don't think for a minute I am not appreciative of these humans that are here under the guise of helping with the house...but I know good and well that they are really here to help me pick up the pieces of my heart.  When I picture them in my head, they are standing under my heart, hands reaching up, holding the pieces together for me.

Because I am shattered.  And I am so tired.  So tired.  The nightmares had stopped for a few weeks and I was sleeping a little again.  But ever since I moved into the house, the nightmares have returned.  I dream about them together and wake up confused.  Sometimes I wake up unable to catch my breath.  And once I do I just lay there...trying to make sense of what is real.  Trying to make sense of their actions or choices.  But I can't.  I have given up on going to bed at a reasonable time.  What's the point?  So I just try and stay up being productive.  Painting or cleaning or organizing.

I spent a lot of last week angry.  Angry at both of them.  For Heather lying to me and not being the person she promised.  For not having enough balls to end us before starting them.  For deceiving me months and months while making me feel like I was crazy.  Mad at Gina for all of her deceit.  How can someone do that to their friend?  How does she sleep at night?  How does she justify what she has done?  How do people live with themselves knowing that have broken good people?

I don't understand any of it.

I cry a lot.  It can come out of nowhere.  On the way home from the grocery store.  On the way to work.  Walking in my house.

Heartbreak is like a rollercoaster.  One moment I will be full of hope...the next moment...I don't know how I am going to make it.

When does it get better?  Why did they do it? How is this real?  Why can't I just be "over it"?

These are the questions that just.won't.stop.

I do a lot of reading and have started journaling again.  My heart still wants to believe that there is hope for her.  One of my friends text me the other night and said, "Do you realize when people talk ill of Heather you cringe? Which makes you a good person.  And the fact that she won't leave you alone makes her a bad one."



Friday, May 5, 2017

April Showers, Bring May Flowers

I'm not sure "showers" is an accurate term to describe the month of April for me...but for poetic purposes...we will roll with it.  And I DID get flowers recently...the first time anyone but my father has bought me flowers.  But I digress.

First, I want to thank all of you who have commented either here, privately, on Facebook or Instagram, or in person.  Each time you reach out to me I swear it matters.  It makes me tear up a little as I type this.  Heather has blasted me for sharing things on social media...the most recent being...
This photo that is from our marriage license.  I am buying a house (the post is coming) and had to provide a copy.  I failed to remember the person that notarized our marriage, making it legal...was also the person that would play a part in ending it.  It didn't make me angry.  It made me sad and a little sick.  But it was so ironic that of COURSE I had to post it.  Have you met me?  Do I overshare on social media?  Yes.  

And do I care if it gets back to Gina or makes her look bad?

Uh.  No.

Is it childish?

Maybe.

Does it help me?

I think so.  

I'm just making it through this the best way I know how.  And protecting or caring about people who not just lied to me, but sought me out and actively deceived me for months...sorry, not sorry.  You made your bed.  With my wife.  You may now curl up in it.

But back to what I WAS saying...everything y'all do and say matters and helps.  

That I know.

On Monday, at 10:00 am we will go to court and our divorce will be final.  I filed the week after I found out.  Heather didn't know why we just couldn't stay married...you get more back on taxes and all.  It will be tremendously hard for me.  Hopefully I won't have to say much.  We did a "simplified dissolution of marriage", so it should take under 15 minutes.

And then I will no longer be a wife.

We will be nothing again.

And part of that is heartbreaking.

I assume that those 15 minutes will be some of the hardest minutes of my life.  

But I will make it.

I thought I would do a little Q & A style session for y'all since I get a lot of questions these days.  So here we go.

Q: Are "they" still together?
A: I don't ask.  I would assume so.  They are still working together, although Gina was demoted (apparently being the HR manager and having an affair with a married coworker is not totally okay).  I know they still talk and see each other as "because of your facebook post, Gina is the only friend I have left".  But again, I would assume they are.  Heather doesn't do "alone" and needs someone to worship her. Heather is living with her ex (the one she owned our house with).  Last I heard Gina was with her mom, sharing their 12 year old sons time with Harry.  They are getting a divorce as well.

Q:  Do you still see/talk to Heather?
A: Yes.  Here's the deal.  I do A LOT of reading about people who are narcissists.  It's super depressing. Before all of this I thought if someone was a narcissist that just meant they had a big ego.  It's so beyond that.  Sometimes when I read things it's scary because it describes her, or our relationship, EXACTLY.  And if she truly a narcissist, then I should realize she is toxic and there is no room in my life for toxic.  BUT IT'S HARD to admit that the person I loved...was not real.  Monday was our 7 year anniversary.  She came over.  I cooked.  Sigh.  It was my idea so blame me. And I asked her..."How could you lie to me for all those months?  How could you be with Gina and come home to me?  How could you live with yourself when you saw me trying to save us and hating myself".

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I didn't feel like I was lying".

I didn't have anything to say to that.  There is nothing to say to that.  Although Therapist said I need to "use my voice" and tell her her that's bullshit.

So I AM making progress, and although my mind knows what I need to do, my heart is slower to catch up.

Q:  Where are you living?
A: In my sister's house, which is now where my nephew and fiance now live.  They have been lifesavers.  I have my own room with it's own entrance and bathroom.  And the biggest part, they let the three dogs and crazy cat come with.  All of my stuff is in storage, with the exception of some clothes and an air mattress.  BUT...I should close on my HOUSE in 5 days.  I have been holding off sharing too much about the house until it was for sure.  I am beyond excited and it will get it's own post.

Q: Would you take Heather back?
A: That's not an option for us.  She doesn't want to come back and besides that...she is not the person I thought I loved.  She cannot give me what I need and deserve. Do I love the person I thought she was.  YES.  Does the person she is today bring me happiness?  No.  And I deserve happiness.

You should know I am not alone.  I have so many friends.  I am still working out.  I'm only gonna get better as I try to get rid of the bitter.  I'm open to some potential bids from potential suitors :) Although I want to focus on me and spend time being alone and finding what makes me happy.  I realized yesterday that for the last 7 years, my happiness has revolved around making Heather happy.  I have kinda lost what brings me joy.  I'm finding it again.

 This was my moving truck park job at the gas station.  That's the truck...about 3 inches away from hitting the red thingie.
 A wild night in our temporary digs.  
 My moving part enjoying a much deserved Mexican post moving lunch.
 Me and "my natalie" enjoying the beach (There is "my natalie" and Boobie seen above in the pink USA jacket...who is also Natalie and used to be Heather's best friend...she is technically my natalie now as well but I only call her natalie when she is in trouble)
 Bowling.  Toga night above.  90's night below.

 Pensacola Beach.  Where you will find us most Sundays.
 And the Wahoos with Higgie and her daughter and Miriam.

All of these people and things keep me afloat. xoxo And I couldn't be more lucky in that regard.

Amy Finds Therapist

I have so many things to tell all my little rosebuds. So we will start HERE...with...THERAPIST.

As you may or may not recall, sometime in November I started seeing a counselor to help me "fix myself" because Heather did a miraculous job of making me feel crazy and unjustified in doubting her "friendship" with Gina and so I wanted to go to therapy to learn what was wrong with me to be a better wife.

Sigh.

I know.

It was my first stab at counseling/therapy and it was kinda poo poo.  My counselor was very nice but really just "listened".  I do remember who saying, after I had laid out all of my concerns about Heather and Gina...

"Sooooo....you've basically just chosen to believe she is not having an affair"?

Yep.

What I was looking for from therapy was a more "involved" way of counseling.  I needed action items. Things to work on.

So I stopped going.

All of this happened...

And at the suggestion of Boobie, I booked an appointment with another friend who is a therapist...and henceforth shall be referred to as...

Therapist.

Original.

No.

Fun.

Yes.

I love Therapist as a friend and I love her as a therapist.  She is exactly what I wanted.  She doesn't just listen, she gives me "homework".  She doesn't TELL me what to do, but instead says things like..."You can CHOOSE to stay with Heather, and that's okay.  But know if you choose to stay with her you will stay stuck and you are telling her "What you did to me was okay...and you can do it again.  But the CHOICE is yours".

I see what you are doing there Therapist.  And I dig it.

First session was of course lots of me crying about Heather.

But second session was more about Amy.  And it's scary and confusing and makes me think.  And I think it's going to be wonderful.

SO we spent a lot of that second session talking about my worth.  Or how I don't believe I have any.  Where does that come from?  Why did I think all along that Heather was too good for me and that I should allow her to treat me the way she did?  Why don't I deserve love and happiness?  Why do I not think I will ever find someone attractive AND kind and real?  Why can't I let Heather go even though she cheated on me and broke me into a million pieces.

WHY?

Wellllll.....

You ready for it?

It all ties to my body and my image of my body.

While I think I am kinda cute in clothes, and can wear a size 8...

(This is kinda hard to type...)

I would describe myself as disgusting.  I hate my body naked.  I feel like I am often the fattest and most broken person in the room.  And because I am disgusting, I am not deserving of love and kindness.  I deserve exactly what Heather gave me for years.  I felt like I SHOULD be grateful that she decided to love me and that no...I didn't deserve or need birthday presents or Christmas presents or to celebrate anniversarys...because "You get to love me...I am your present" is what she told me...and I believed it.  Because I don't deserve more than that.  And while I know there are people out there that could treat me better emotionally, I felt like I would never find anyone as fit as Heather to love me...

because I am not fit.

I am broken.

And no amount of working out will ever unbreak my body.  There will be scars and stretchmarks and skin and dimples...

And in my mind...those things define my worth.

Not my heart (which is amazing I think).
Not my mind (I describe myself as "middle smart".
Not my ability to give or love or think of others.

None of that matters as much as my body and how it looks.

Of course Therapist stopped and said at one point, "Amy, I need you to listen to me okay?  Reallly hear me.  THAT'S BULLSHIT".

And I hear her, and I know what she is saying.  But I don't believe her.

We talk about how this has been my "script" from the first time my brother told me I was fat.  And how he made sure to reinforce that over and over again as I grew up.  Hot girls are liked.  Hot girls have sex.  Hot girls get the boys (or girls).  Hot girls Hot girl.  Hot.  Fit.  Skinny.

Fat girls are gross.  They are "less than"...

And that is one of the dominate scripts of my life.

So my assignment after that session was to go home and right IMAGE at the top of a piece of paper and write down everything that came to mind...no censoring.  Free association style.  Two legal sized pages full is what came out and BOY...that was depressing.  Over and over you could see the words 'worthless' 'disgusting' 'broken'.  But I did't redo it to make it sound more "positive".

I turned that sucker in.

Do you know was I crossed the street after that session a truck drove by with 2 men in it...and my FIRST thought as they looked at me was...I bet they are thinking "She's fat".

Anyways.  Next session we talked about how when I around straight guys or lesbians or people who could potentially have sex with me...I am worried the entire time about what they are thinking about my body.

Again, Therapist says "Amy, you realize people have better things to do than think about your body all the time right?  It's not ALWAYS ABOUT YOU?'

um...what? lol

We also talked about how hard it is for me to accept the kindness people have been showing me.  My friend, more of an acquaintance, from when we worked at our old job, had some moving boxes for me and she then gave me a gift, a beautiful mermaid mug that said "Although she was tossed in the waves, she was not broken".  I cried all the way back to work after she gave me that because I didn't know what I had done to EARN her kindness.  Why was Becky being nice to me?  What had I done for Becky?  I didn't deserve that mug.

Therapist said Heather did a good job of "programming" me.  And I realized this idea of having to EARN kindness or reward or attention was the base of how our relationship worked.  If I wanted her to love me I better cook and clean and buy her a Yeti or Apple Watch.  If I wanted to have sex I better make sure the house was spotless and the dogs were occupied.  If I wanted her to love me and never leave me I better be the perfect wife (ooops...that didn't hold true).

So I had four things to focus on as my assignment that week.

1.  Accept kindness
2. Replace negative thoughts I have when people are looking at my body (i.e. she is fat) with a neutral thought (i.e. they probably arent even THINKING about my body).
3.  Be authentic at least 3 times a day.  This is because I wear a mask a lot and it's hard for me to allow others to see me sad or angry or hurting.
4.  When I feel "lonely", ask myself what that really means.  I told her that even though I am often surrounded by a lot of people, I can feel very alone.  She thinks I may be labeling that wrong.

It was hard.  When people compliment on my body, I quickly want to make a fat or food joke.  Like at the gym if a guy says "You are a beast" I want to say "I really like tacos".  (this happened)  If a friend says "look at your leg muscles" I want to say "They are there...under a layer of protection".

But I've been more aware of all of those things.

And I am working on it!

This weeks session we circled back to my  inability to have complete "no contact" with Heather.  Which is an important and final step when dealing with a narcissist.  And out of that came the reoccurring theme that I want to still save her and help her...classic co-dependent behavior.  But it's not just Heather I want to save.  It's the damn world.

Amy's narrative is:

Everyone needs saving.  Everyone is broken.  They need someone to hold their broken pieces. There is not enough kindness in the world SO I have to be the kindness...which is why I can't be sad or or needed because if I am sad or needy, who will give everyone what they need.  If I don't provide it I will find it somewhere else and I WILL BE ALONE.

I feel these behaviors (mine) are mandatory to control the perception and feelings that others have about me...so they don't realize I am unnecessary, average, and replaceable.

What do you think about them apples?

It's a lot for me to process sometimes.  But I DO feel like part of me coming out of all of this a better person is me really looking at why I do what I do.  If I keep repeating the same thoughts and behaviors, most likely...nothing will change.

And I am ready for change.

It's slightly scary putting this out there for everyone (and anyone as I am sure CERTAIN people are stalking my blog) to read.  But part of me being authentic is that I am trying to be okay with feeling everything I do.  And it's okay if people know it.  Because it's who I am.

And who I am is good enough :)

hugs and kisses-

Amy